Oh my, I’m headed to prison

Back in June, I posted a commentary on FM 999-3 Counter Zombie Operations at the Fire Team Level. The field manual is a humorous take on procedures for an army fire team dealing with a zombie outbreak. Other than the cover, the work is obviously not a real field manual.

Today, I was informed not once but twice that I was violating federal law and was going to go to jail. No, not jail, I’m apparently heading to the Federal Pen. At least according to this fellow.

The first contact was a comment on the original article by dead man walking. The moniker makes me wonder if he isn’t one of the undead trying to thwart the distribution of the manual. Probably not, but he does have his underwear in a knot.

It was listed that a hard copy of FM-999-3 was available on this site. Obviously another lie. Production of any manual that “looks” authentic still is punishable by Federal law. That means 10-20 in prison for you morons who think this is all some game. You can not print anything that is marked as being from any Department of the Military without prior approval.. I work for the Army and have informed my superipors of this print and they will follow-up with proper recourse action.

Apparently I lied before lying. Very confusing. There is a quoted link to a hard-copy distribution site from the manual. However, it doesn’t lead to any location that distributes a dead tree variant. I’m unsure about the original fib. I suspect he was easily fooled and thought the work was more than it appeared. Humor is a dangerous beast. Hopefully his superipors [sic] possess a sense of humor.

This fellow has time on his hands. Posting the comment was not the end. He also hit my contact page and delivered an email. Again, he was dead man walking with an email address of widow.maker54@. After some thought, I discarded the notion he was the 54th zombie that only attacks married men. I want to believe he has strange predilections but based on all the lore I cannot comprehend the undead filling out a contact form. Yep, I’m slow on the uptake because he probably couldn’t post a comment either if he were dead. Unless he is one of those oddball smart zombies. Could be. More threats were delivered in the contact email:

All who are responsible for production of the FM-999-3 will and can be punished by Federal laws. It is NOT permissible to print ANY form of Military/Government manual/writings without the prior approval from that Department. Anything produced can be punishable by Federal Law. What you think it’s a”hoot” to do this? And it’s alright to make anything for a laugh? Well when you are sitting in a prison cell I’d like to see who is laughing then.

Federal Pen. Check. Not permissible. Check. Underwear wrapped around his left testicle cutting off brain cells. Check. Obviously he can read because he referenced the word hoot. I used it in the post. (Sadly, this is another strike against him being undead.) Reading doesn’t equate to comprehension. I want to respond to the email. First I need to work through all his points.

All who are responsible for production of the FM-999-3 will and can be punished by Federal laws.

Response: You need to reread what I posted. I’m not responsible for the production of FM-999-3. Why would I provide a bunch of links that don’t generate traffic to my site? The inter-tubes have this cool utility to check ownership of domains. Not to mention, if I were that witty, I would have stated ownership. I didn’t.

It is NOT permissible to print ANY form of Military/Government manual/writings without the prior approval from that Department.

Gotcha. I’m certain the original authors didn’t print it. Or claim it was a Military/Government manual. Sorry, widow.maker54, you cannot even get a copy of it here. It’s not mine (see above).

Anything produced can be punishable by Federal Law.

Check. You covered that in the first sentence. Are you sure you aren’t undead? Wait, maybe you work in the Department of Redundancy Department. They have cool t-shirts. You can buy nice knock-offs far cheaper. Wait, I got off track.

What you think it’s a”hoot” to do this?

Yes. Congrats on using the word hoot. Hoot is a difficult word to work into written materials. Very uncommon in conversation. Except when you are discussing owls.

And it’s alright to make anything for a laugh?

Not anything. Multiple subjects are off limits. I could not cross the line to mock the carnal sex lives of vampires. Unless they bother to fill out the contact form telling me its okay. I might wet myself if they do. However, dead but-not-undead man who walks, I did not make anything to make people laugh. You’ll have to track down the guy who wrote it. (See above).

Well when you are sitting in a prison cell I’d like to see who is laughing then.

So you are going to come visit? Shouldn’t we start as pen pals first? Having never been in prison, I think we need to work through the bureaucracy of visitation rules first. If you think I’m going to approve you for conjugal visits, you need to pull back on the reins. I’m not that easy.

I do wish you luck in sending your superiors (turns out you spelled that wrong) after me. I’m going to go mate with a friendly succubus. She promised she would visit me in prison.

I look forward to corresponding with you further. You may want to adopt a different moniker. Dead Man Walking makes you sound incarcerated for horrible crimes like pointing to satirical works. Not to mention widow.maker54. If you are looking for impact, being #54 doesn’t cut it. You seem like a low-level assassin whose about to get his ass kicked. The use of a hotmail address was top-notch. Nothing portrays authority more than a free email service.

Tags: FM 999-3, Midnight Madness, Underwear Twisted a Bit Tight, Zombies