Browsing articles tagged with " Zombies"

Oh my, I’m headed to prison

Dec 7, 2011
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Back in June, I posted a commentary on FM 999-3 Counter Zombie Operations at the Fire Team Level. The field manual is a humorous take on procedures for an army fire team dealing with a zombie outbreak. Other than the cover, the work is obviously not a real field manual.

Today, I was informed not once but twice that I was violating federal law and was going to go to jail. No, not jail, I’m apparently heading to the Federal Pen. At least according to this fellow.

The first contact was a comment on the original article by dead man walking. The moniker makes me wonder if he isn’t one of the undead trying to thwart the distribution of the manual. Probably not, but he does have his underwear in a knot.

It was listed that a hard copy of FM-999-3 was available on this site. Obviously another lie. Production of any manual that “looks” authentic still is punishable by Federal law. That means 10-20 in prison for you morons who think this is all some game. You can not print anything that is marked as being from any Department of the Military without prior approval.. I work for the Army and have informed my superipors of this print and they will follow-up with proper recourse action.

Apparently I lied before lying. Very confusing. There is a quoted link to a hard-copy distribution site from the manual. However, it doesn’t lead to any location that distributes a dead tree variant. I’m unsure about the original fib. I suspect he was easily fooled and thought the work was more than it appeared. Humor is a dangerous beast. Hopefully his superipors [sic] possess a sense of humor.

This fellow has time on his hands. Posting the comment was not the end. He also hit my contact page and delivered an email. Again, he was dead man walking with an email address of widow.maker54@. After some thought, I discarded the notion he was the 54th zombie that only attacks married men. I want to believe he has strange predilections but based on all the lore I cannot comprehend the undead filling out a contact form. Yep, I’m slow on the uptake because he probably couldn’t post a comment either if he were dead. Unless he is one of those oddball smart zombies. Could be. More threats were delivered in the contact email:

All who are responsible for production of the FM-999-3 will and can be punished by Federal laws. It is NOT permissible to print ANY form of Military/Government manual/writings without the prior approval from that Department. Anything produced can be punishable by Federal Law. What you think it’s a”hoot” to do this? And it’s alright to make anything for a laugh? Well when you are sitting in a prison cell I’d like to see who is laughing then.

Federal Pen. Check. Not permissible. Check. Underwear wrapped around his left testicle cutting off brain cells. Check. Obviously he can read because he referenced the word hoot. I used it in the post. (Sadly, this is another strike against him being undead.) Reading doesn’t equate to comprehension. I want to respond to the email. First I need to work through all his points.

All who are responsible for production of the FM-999-3 will and can be punished by Federal laws.

Response: You need to reread what I posted. I’m not responsible for the production of FM-999-3. Why would I provide a bunch of links that don’t generate traffic to my site? The inter-tubes have this cool utility to check ownership of domains. Not to mention, if I were that witty, I would have stated ownership. I didn’t.

It is NOT permissible to print ANY form of Military/Government manual/writings without the prior approval from that Department.

Gotcha. I’m certain the original authors didn’t print it. Or claim it was a Military/Government manual. Sorry, widow.maker54, you cannot even get a copy of it here. It’s not mine (see above).

Anything produced can be punishable by Federal Law.

Check. You covered that in the first sentence. Are you sure you aren’t undead? Wait, maybe you work in the Department of Redundancy Department. They have cool t-shirts. You can buy nice knock-offs far cheaper. Wait, I got off track.

What you think it’s a”hoot” to do this?

Yes. Congrats on using the word hoot. Hoot is a difficult word to work into written materials. Very uncommon in conversation. Except when you are discussing owls.

And it’s alright to make anything for a laugh?

Not anything. Multiple subjects are off limits. I could not cross the line to mock the carnal sex lives of vampires. Unless they bother to fill out the contact form telling me its okay. I might wet myself if they do. However, dead but-not-undead man who walks, I did not make anything to make people laugh. You’ll have to track down the guy who wrote it. (See above).

Well when you are sitting in a prison cell I’d like to see who is laughing then.

So you are going to come visit? Shouldn’t we start as pen pals first? Having never been in prison, I think we need to work through the bureaucracy of visitation rules first. If you think I’m going to approve you for conjugal visits, you need to pull back on the reins. I’m not that easy.

I do wish you luck in sending your superiors (turns out you spelled that wrong) after me. I’m going to go mate with a friendly succubus. She promised she would visit me in prison.

I look forward to corresponding with you further. You may want to adopt a different moniker. Dead Man Walking makes you sound incarcerated for horrible crimes like pointing to satirical works. Not to mention widow.maker54. If you are looking for impact, being #54 doesn’t cut it. You seem like a low-level assassin whose about to get his ass kicked. The use of a hotmail address was top-notch. Nothing portrays authority more than a free email service.

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Bizarre News: Ace Hardware + Zombies and a Kraken

Oct 11, 2011
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Westlake Ace Harbor has launched a new advertising campaign featuring zombies. The witty take features products and services for the newly undead entitled Delaying Your Decay. For those of the human ilk, they offer Don’t be Scared. Be Prepared. Both sections are featured on the same page. Should you need a more comprehensive guide, A Human’s Guide to Zombie Preparedness and A Zombie’s Guide to Delaying Your Decay are available as PDF documents. You can even browse the FAQ if you have a question the documents did not cover.

Not to be overlooked, paleontologist Mark McMenamin tossed a theory out to the masses featuring a kraken. He claims the giant was responsible for the deaths of multiple school-bus sized ichthyosaurs. McMenamin believes that after chowing down, the kraken arranged the skeletal remains in a pleasing manner. What else is a Kraken to do after satiating himself on scrumptious morsels?

Sadly, there is little evidence for the giant predator. Still, I’m not going to mock it if I’m out and about on the high seas.

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Review: Zombie, Ohio: A Tale of the Undead

Jul 4, 2011
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At a $1.99 for the electronic edition, I could not pass up Scott Kenemore’s Zombie, Ohio. Written from the perspective of a newly undead zombie who retains his intelligence, but not his memory, the story is lively and believable. Humor was prevalent but could have happened a bit more frequently.

The fun of living with Peter as a zombie hit a wall when the author spent far too long with internal monologues. Not to mention the chaos of the occasional ten dollar word thrown in. Maybe his use of palaver should have been an indication. It may have been witty but the uncommon words broke the flow of the book repeatedly.

This is a book you can put down. I put it down and read other things several times. It is a fun read but slow at times. You will go back to find out what happens. It just will not compel you to do so immediately.

The pace can be slow but you get a love interest, mystery, and personal discovery all rolled into one book — with humor. If you like zombie material, you’ll enjoy the book. If you don’t, you may want to pass.

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FM 999-3 Counter-Zombie Operations

Jun 22, 2011

I do love satire. Today, it came in the form of an Army Field Manual. More specifically, the newly released manual FM 999-3 Counter-Zombie Operations at the Fireteam Level. The layout was sufficiently accurate to fool many people who didn’t take time to look at the contents.

FM 999-3

The original link is back in action. I saw has been overwhelmed but is also available on scribd. The manual has been out for several days. I finally saw it today. What a hoot.

Worthy of several chuckles. Well done to the author.

From the manual:

Electronic civilian distribution of this version of the manual is authorized through:

House of Ryoga: Zombie Survival Division

Army Zombie Combat School

Hard copy civilian distribution of this version of the manual is authorized through:
Kevadrin’s Wares

International Politics and Zombies – A Review

Apr 11, 2011
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International Politics and Zombies

Daniel Drezner’s Theories of International Politics and Zombies covers the impact of an uprising of the undead on international politics in this short but well written book. The work is based around one question single question. “What would happen to international politics if the dead rose from the grave and started to feast upon the living?”

The first third of the book focuses on defining a zombie within the context of modern media and explaining how numerous different types of zombies are not significant factors to policy decisions. Next, Drezner covers how differing political ideologies may respond to a zombie uprising. He tackles the approaches of realism, liberalism, neo-conservatives and constructionist regimes. The final third discusses different national domestic policies, how the morass of government bureaucracy would be effected and the psychological impact of zombies on smaller social groups.

Within the first chapter, Drezner aptly demonstrates his knowledge and research on zombies. Both the breadth and depth of the cited sources are exhaustive ranging from the expected in George Romero’s Living Dead to the implausible such as Shaun of the Dead. Interspersed charts show a significant increase in the popularity of zombies in all forms of media since the turn of the century. Amid all mentions of books, films and comics, he deftly defines how a zombie outbreak would be a global issue.

Drezner also undertakes a literature review of zombie studies within a variety of fields including mathematics, zoology, biology and computer science. Surprisingly, a number of studies have been undertaken. Far more than a casual zombie enthusiast would suspect. As Drezner points out, many fields have yet to tackle the issue. He laments the lack of study by social scientists in general, noting

When compared to work in cognate disciplines, the social sciences in general — and international relations in particular — suffer from a zombie gap.

Wrapping up the introductory portion of the work, Drezner mitigates arguments regarding zombie origins and capabilities. Again, he demonstrates a thorough knowledge of the genre. He aptly covers slow moving vs. fast zombies, slow infection vs. near instant conversion and the latitude of mental capabilities. In the end, he argues no matter the physiological, mental and infection basis, global policy will respond the same with the exception of minor deviations. Other responses would be more significantly changed based on the type of zombie uprising.

The core of the book covers the range of political ideologies and how as global actors each would be likely to respond to an outbreak. While quite interesting and detailed, I found myself less engaged than when reading the introductory sections. I acknowledge my general disdain of international politics was the basis for my lack of interest. Drezner pulls no punches throughout the section. Even with my interest wavering, I learned numerous concepts about global policy. My response may be exactly what the author intended even if I’m long removed from the academic world.

The final portion of the book covers domestic politics, bureaucratic policies and the psychological responses of the living to the undead. Drezner explains how internal national policies impact the ability of the nation to interact with other states on the global stage. Each domestic policy has significant broader effects. If a nation determines how to contain the uprising, will that information be immediately shared or withheld due to ulterior motives? That question is intermingled with many others that are difficult to answer but easy to acknowledge might happen.

In the final chapter, he delves into the psychology of interacting with zombies. Like many works of fiction, the question of if the living have fallen to the level of the zombies arises. The zombies want to kill all the living and the living want to eradicate the undead and will do nearly anything to achieve that goal. Additionally, he touches on the interaction of the social groups with response to zombies. If a family member becomes infected, the living may well feel obligated to protect her from eradication.

What if the zombies cannot be eradicated entirely? The book covers the possibility of having to live with zombies within the land. Policies will need to be adapted to the new reality. As Drezner points out, even the simple may be changed.

After a zombie attack, a new component of any driver’s license exam might be a demonstration of evasion tactics–or how to perform a hit-and-run on a flesh-eating ghoul with minimal damage to the motor vehicle.


Overall, the book was a fun read for an academic text. Unlike most text books, this one has the obvious interesting and fun fact of being based on zombies. Some minor sections I found dry and slower to read but overall I highly recommend it. The ebook version is over-priced since it is from a major publishing house but in the context of traditional educational works, both the ebook and paperback version are inexpensive. If you like zombie materials and have even a slightest interest in politics, buy the book. You will not be disappointed.

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